No longer chasing happiness

'Don't worry, be happy!' 

'Look at the bright side!'

'Happy go lucky!'

'Happy wife, happy life!' 

From a very young age I have been sold the ‘Happiness’ message from all directions. I have lived a life believing that this was the ultimate state of being. Choosing my friends, a career, a husband, even where I live, all to make sure I stayed ‘Happy’. 
To tell you the truth, I am definitely not happy all the time and I still feel great. 

I can see that when a child is unhappy it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like something is wrong and it must be fixed. But why do I jump to that conclusion? It's hard as a parent to see my kids be sad, fight and especially cry after they’ve had a fight. It is very common to hear my children whinging or screaming and although I would do anything to not hear those sounds, I've realised it's not my job to make them happy because not only is it an impossible task, it is sending them the wrong message. 

My son is known to throw loud tantrums. He is like a dormant volcano that spontaneously erupts and blows its top. I have read countless articles exploring all types of reasons;  it's because he is hungry, tired, needing connection... All of these well intention articles are suggesting that something is wrong. That sadness, frustration and anger are emotions that we are not meant to feel and that need to be replaced with more positive and happy emotions.

I am so grateful to have recently discovered that by allowing my son to feel all the negative emotions that naturally come up for him, I am supporting him to experience self love.  I am letting him know that he is perfect as he is and absolutely nothing about him needs to change. This is unconditional love!

I can see that by not micromanaging or trying to change the flow of his thoughts and emotions, the emotional outbursts quickly pass and he more easily finds solutions and settles back into being a loving and caring member of the household. Every time without fail, when I don't get involved and I am just available as a support for him to allow the afflictive emotions to run their natural course, he feels so much more content stable and empowered after the eruption.

Here is a tangible example of a time when I did not chase happiness for my son or for myself. My son screamed and complained all the way to a Nature Playgroup I was hosting and then continued to scream with frustration whilst we were there too. I remained calm and supportive even though I was embarrassed and very agitated by the sound of his screams. I did not indulge or avoid my feelings by leaving the playgroup. Rather I trusted in the dynamic nature of this experience and knew that it would ‘disappear like a line drawn in water’ for both of us. He had permission to stay on the picnic rug and not engage with his friends but we were not leaving as I had a commitment. As I suspected, after a while my son was soon laughing and playing with his friend and it was a fun and enjoyable afternoon in nature.

Photo by Jeremy Blode Photography

Through the simple practice of allowing my own thoughts and emotions to be as they were, by not indulging my embarrassment through talking and justifying to the other parents and by not replacing my frustration and anger with more positive thoughts about my son, I was able to remain completely unperturbed and relaxed. This saves me a lot of energy. I can be open and full of love regardless of what my negative thoughts and emotions say. I can be there for my son unconditionally, in the true sense of the word.

Unhappiness, disappointment, anger, hatred, sadness and frustration come and go for both my son and I. They are natural human emotions that are important to fully feel and experience as they are. By denying our children the right to experience, we are telling them that there is something fundamentally flawed about them and that it is not okay for them to be who they are. I want my son to grow up empowered knowing that he is perfect as he is and that nothing about him needs to change.  

This is definitely something that I am practicing for myself and look forward to continuing this journey with the support network of Bright. I feel very grateful to live a life of stability and clarity regardless of whether I have happy thoughts or not. To be empowered to allow myself and others to be as they are, is the greatest gift!  

Observe more and enjoy most,

Vanessa 

https://www.bright.how

Learning the Montessori way

As most of you know I have a passion for providing free and self directed play, especially in nature, for families. I have noticed there is a lot of articles out there stating children need only play based curriculums during the first 6 years of life to become successful and that teaching formal education at an early age is not required. My children are still little however I observe their aptitude for academia and I wanted to write about our experience and how supportive and empowering formal education has been for them, coupled with play.

I have observed first hand all the incredible skills that blossom during play time such as social navigation, resilience strengthening, creativity and imagination development, to name a few. And have a desire to offer these opportunities to my children and to all families. However, due to the observation of my own kids, plus my insight into the work of Maria Montessori, I have my doubts that this alone would have been enough for them.

Since my son was little I've observed his thirst for different languages. When he was 3 years old he would come up with homophones (words that sound the same and have different meanings) and this year he taught himself the Hebrew songs for the Jewish celebration of Passover by listening to Spotify. My son's teachers recognised his ‘sensitive period’ for language and with Montessori tools, he was able to gain a concrete understanding of letter sounds, letter formations and now has a strong basis to read and write successfully which has become his focus at four and a half. The sensitive periods are noticeable times in the child's development where the child can learn specific concepts more easily and naturally.

My daughter attends the Early Learners program at Melbourne Montessori. In this program they are 'helping her to help herself' which is the philosophy that echoes throughout the whole school. She is learning to care for her body independently, given opportunities to strengthen her hand muscles with puzzles and playdoh and is exposed to sensorial experiences such as sound and smell matching games which intentionally introduces the world around her. Although she may come across these skills with well intentioned parents, I know that I have a lot to learn from the very experienced teachers who care for her.

The skills in which my children are learning in their formal school environment are supported by their free play experiences at home and visa versa. Building up the proficiency of self-discipline, concentration and motivation are skills that are empowered both at school and at home. Since birth, we have encouraged independent play using a 'Yes' space coined by Janet Lansbury. A very safe place to play without interruption and any interference from adults as the child is free to do as they wish as there is no safety concerns. This space in our home indirectly strengthens our child’s focus muscle and internal desires to concentrate for long periods of time in their play.

At Montessori school, learning to focus and concentrate for long periods of time is an intentional area of development within the curriculum. Each individual child is encouraged to reach their full potential and building the skills of self-motivation and self-discipline is core in continuing in their life learning journey. These specific skills are embedded into every aspect of the classroom in both unassuming ways such as waiting for their turn at the snack table or more directly in endeavouring to do a  ‘job’ that has many concrete materials the child needs to collect before engaging with the activity.

I believe ‘play’ alone would not be enough for my children. I must admit that I have not seen first hand Peter Gray's 'Sudbury Valley School' or the formal forest school I read so much about. I look forward to one day having the opportunity to visit.

I can see that my children have a huge appetite to learn academia and delve into the world around them and for now I feel so lucky that Melbourne Montessori is available for us.
The school provides a wonderful support to the environment we wish to create for our children to be competent individuals who respect themselves, others and the world around them.

Why the Montessori Philosophy?

Montessori for our family

It’s 5.30am and Mav (4 ½ years old) wakes for the day. He comes down stairs stops by the kitchen to get himself a snack and continues to his play area to build on his carpark from the day before. At 6am his little sister (2 years old) wakes and calls out. Mav goes upstairs, zips her out of the sleeping bag, brings her downstairs and butters her a cracker and makes two bowls of muesli. They sit together, eating and chatting. At 7am my husband and I wake up getting ready for the day.

Now this doesn’t happen every morning, but it is encouraged and happening more frequently. We continue the morning routine with the motto in mind, ‘helping them to help themselves’ inspired by Maria Montessori. The feelings of self-assurance, competence and care for themselves, others and their environment, is my heart wish for my children. These values are deeply embedded in the Montessori philosophy and this is why it is a great fit for our family.

It has been a constant deepening of our understanding of this philosophy, both for home life and school. The home life aspect feel’s pretty right for us because it’s amazing watching our children gain confidence in their abilities more and more. However as a professional primary school teacher, I have had my critical glasses on full force when it came to the school learning. However so far at each stage of our experience at The Melbourne Montessori School, both my husband and I cannot fault it.

The thought and care at every stage for the individual child would be one that I would of loved to give my students when I was teaching. Each child in the class is met at their own level academically, socially, physically and emotionally. The Montessori method is about guiding the child to succeed. Only giving them tasks which the teacher knows they can achieve. Slowly and bit by bit, my son for example was introduced to language through games and story books and then sound games like 'I spy'. At the moment he is at the stage where he has started to read. The words he cannot recall, he works out through his sound knowledge. This is true scaffolding that was tailored to my sons individual needs. He did not need to wait to get support when the rest of the class was ready and he is supported to go as far as he wants. Age, curriculum checklists and teaching resources are not a hindrance.

Maria Montessori studied and observed children in her care. It is something I have also enjoyed to do and I find it a powerful tool in raising my children. One aspect she observed is a child’s sense of order. Like her, I have found my children love order and find it reassuring when they know what happens at bedtime, where their toys get packed away, what days they go to school and the list goes on and on. I invite you to watch Montessori classroom youtube videos, the order and care in the classroom is something I envy for my own home.

(Inside The Melbourne Montessori School  https://youtu.be/O2FanxEK5Gk )

My children love to clean and I know for certain they are not unusual.  Maria Montessori recognized that although adults see this as laborious work, the children love to be involved and do the work that is purposeful. I do not have to ask my children to do chores. They clean the benches, pack the dishwasher, help fold laundry and even clean my bedroom all without being asked. And of course this is very much welcomed. My children feel like contributing members in our house. Mimicked from their classrooms, we have set up in our own home independent drink stations, plates and cutlery that can be accessed by them, all their play objects including art supplies are at their level. My two year old is not independent enough to pack away but this is being scaffolded to ensure her independence one day.

Another aspect of Montessori philosophy which I have seen blossoming between my children is the courtesy and respect they have for themselves and others. These skills are explicitly taught in class and with much encouragement and support it is translated at home. In the cycles of a Montessori school, the children are with three or more age groups. The class is like a family unit. There are the youngest, middle and oldest children and depending on development and readiness the oldest are being taught how to teach, support and take care of their younger peers. My son who is only four encourages his sister by ‘helping her to do it herself’. It is beautiful to witness as he has been treated like that from his teachers and older peers and now in class having this opportunity to treat the younger children with respect and care. The two siblings have countless arguments and fights but I can see that they are open to finding solutions together and are able to work it out with or without my help.

Montessori is one of a few philosophies we adopt in raising our children to be who they are. At the moment, I am witnessing a beneficial cohesion between home and school life. I am enjoying watching my children flourish and bloom.

What does it mean to observe more and enjoy most?

Over the last four years, I have been studying the RIE philosophy/ Educaring Approach and ‘Play’ in early childhood. And the one quote that I always think about is this one from Magda Gerber.

“Observe more, do less.

                         Do less, enjoy more." Magda Gerber

Observation of anything, your peers, your parents, your self and your children is the key to successful relationships. It gives you time and allows for the understanding of the perspective of the other.

Now those who know me from my teenage years would know that empathy is not a strong point for me. I could practice sympathy, however, to understand someone else’s life, choices and opinion, I very much struggled. Using this phrase has helped me to see that each one of us has a story and has had that influence how we see the world and therefore act in certain ways. From this, I am able to enjoy my relationships and grow them deeper and stronger.

The impact of this phrase in my parenting practice has been the most powerful.  It is a reminder to slow down, to notice the capabilities of your individual child and to revel in what you are seeing.

At the beginning, I would just sit and watch my tiny baby and gush as any new mother would. However, coupled with my reading of child development I began to see so much more. For example, I know that when my 3-year-old is tired and really wants to go to sleep, he will hurry through the bedtime routine, not skip anything because of his sense of order. At this time we must stick to the ‘norm’, if we don’t he will lose it.

Observing a child allows you to see that each will achieve the ‘milestones’ in their own way. You will begin to take note of the steps in between. My daughter who is a little over one has begun to do ‘downward dog’ I remember my son doing this just before he learned to walk. With this in mind, I make sure she has ample room to practice and on different surfaces to build the muscles for balance.

When watching your child play, this quote can help us remember not to interrupt them or direct them, instead learn to value what they are doing and approach their play with a sense of wonder. It is harder in testing situations, such as when a child falls or is struggling to climb or even in a social squabble.  But it is best to wait for when we are needed as we may not be needed at all.

If you have considered this approach I would love to hear what you have observed and enjoyed?

Observe more, Enjoy Most

Vanessa

The power of uninterrupted play

If you think back to the time where you had no responsibilities, no one else to care for, what are some of your special ‘play moments’ that get triggered when you think about an uninterrupted play?

Mine is definitely the time I spent at my grandparent's farm. Wondering for hours in the garden and paddocks pretending that I was on the show Skippy the bush kangaroo. The older I got, the more freedom I had to roam on my bike and to explore with no-one looking over my shoulder directing my attention. I was free and able to follow my own play urges.

 The time for uninterrupted play is vital for brain development and can start as early as birth. It is where we explore our body; make sense of our culture and social interactions, where we express our schemas and passions.

I frequently sit back and observe my children from afar. It gives me immense joy watching them interact with their environment with innocent eyes and minds. I love watching Mav turn his kitchen into ‘Engine House’ which is his dads co-working space and trying to work out what they actually do there. Livy lies on her back rolling from side to side feeling the weight move around her back and shoulders. More recently she climbs onto a small armchair and stands up with no support, beaming with delight in her new found balance.

However, these uninterrupted opportunities to play have come about through a very thought out and prepared environment.

The first very important lesson I have learned is to have a ‘Yes’ Space. Thank you to Janet Lansbury  (I suggest following her, it will change your life)

A ‘yes’ space is a closed off area in your home, where the child is able to roam free without supervision. Janet describes it as if you were locked out of your house and your child was inside, you know they would be completely safe.

In my old house I gated a whole room but now I am in a house with open plan so I have put two playpens together to ensure adequate space for crawling and exploring. If you have two children or more they each need their own ‘Yes’ space because together they are not safe.

The second lesson is the importance of having a mixture of passive toys and lots of loose parts (recycled or natural) to enrich children’s play. A passive toy is one that does not do anything and is versatile. A child can transcend from what an object is ‘actually used for’ and manipulate in ways the child sees fit. These items promote problem solving, self-direction, investigation and the list goes on.

To give children the right materials and an effective play space provides them with a freedom to create, explore and make sense of the world. 

What do you think are the ingredients for play? What works in your home or center? Do you see the benefit of having a designated play area? 

What are some of your children's favourite play objects?

Observe more, Enjoy Most

Vanessa

Mastering Through Repetition

A lot of parents ask me about which playgrounds to go for nature experiences, climbing structures for little ones, risky play etc 

Whilst all very important questions, the big lesson that I have learned, is to 

go to the same park regularly.

Children need to feel safe to explore. Parents need to feel that their children are safe to let them explore.  Being familiar with the equipment, the surroundings allows for optimal exploration of the playground.

Every playground has different opportunities and some have the same. The more the child is familiar with the playground they will take on different challenges, repeat the same moves on the equipment and each time learn something new.

We have been lucky enough to have a playground at the end of my street. My daughter was a non-mobile baby when we first got there. She would lie on the grass and roll, however, each time she would move closer and closer to the playground. The first equipment she explored was the slide – climbing up and down – slowing herself with her feet to make sure she could go up again. 1 year has past and she has found the tall slide with the long stairs, the rocking seat which she can get into her self and lately the swing.

My son who is 3 is the same. Each time we have gone to the park and on average once a day, has found something new to challenge his abilities. He began by hanging upside down on the bar on top of the slide and now is reaching to the high bar and lifting up his feet to swing around.

Children are not bored of playgrounds – we adults get bored of the same scenery. Children find new ways to use the equipment on their own or with others. The more comfortable they are in the environment the more likely they will test their abilities and learn something new.

Observe More, Enjoy Most 

Vanessa

I would love you to share some of your favourite playgrounds you and your children enjoy and why?

And please share any lessons you have learned from watching your children at playgrounds - I have a few more that I hope to share it in a later blog post.