'Don't worry, be happy!'
'Look at the bright side!'
'Happy go lucky!'
'Happy wife, happy life!'
From a very young age I have been sold the ‘Happiness’ message from all directions. I have lived a life believing that this was the ultimate state of being. Choosing my friends, a career, a husband, even where I live, all to make sure I stayed ‘Happy’.
To tell you the truth, I am definitely not happy all the time and I still feel great.
I can see that when a child is unhappy it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like something is wrong and it must be fixed. But why do I jump to that conclusion? It's hard as a parent to see my kids be sad, fight and especially cry after they’ve had a fight. It is very common to hear my children whinging or screaming and although I would do anything to not hear those sounds, I've realised it's not my job to make them happy because not only is it an impossible task, it is sending them the wrong message.
My son is known to throw loud tantrums. He is like a dormant volcano that spontaneously erupts and blows its top. I have read countless articles exploring all types of reasons; it's because he is hungry, tired, needing connection... All of these well intention articles are suggesting that something is wrong. That sadness, frustration and anger are emotions that we are not meant to feel and that need to be replaced with more positive and happy emotions.
I am so grateful to have recently discovered that by allowing my son to feel all the negative emotions that naturally come up for him, I am supporting him to experience self love. I am letting him know that he is perfect as he is and absolutely nothing about him needs to change. This is unconditional love!
I can see that by not micromanaging or trying to change the flow of his thoughts and emotions, the emotional outbursts quickly pass and he more easily finds solutions and settles back into being a loving and caring member of the household. Every time without fail, when I don't get involved and I am just available as a support for him to allow the afflictive emotions to run their natural course, he feels so much more content stable and empowered after the eruption.
Here is a tangible example of a time when I did not chase happiness for my son or for myself. My son screamed and complained all the way to a Nature Playgroup I was hosting and then continued to scream with frustration whilst we were there too. I remained calm and supportive even though I was embarrassed and very agitated by the sound of his screams. I did not indulge or avoid my feelings by leaving the playgroup. Rather I trusted in the dynamic nature of this experience and knew that it would ‘disappear like a line drawn in water’ for both of us. He had permission to stay on the picnic rug and not engage with his friends but we were not leaving as I had a commitment. As I suspected, after a while my son was soon laughing and playing with his friend and it was a fun and enjoyable afternoon in nature.
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| Photo by Jeremy Blode Photography |
Through the simple practice of allowing my own thoughts and emotions to be as they were, by not indulging my embarrassment through talking and justifying to the other parents and by not replacing my frustration and anger with more positive thoughts about my son, I was able to remain completely unperturbed and relaxed. This saves me a lot of energy. I can be open and full of love regardless of what my negative thoughts and emotions say. I can be there for my son unconditionally, in the true sense of the word.
Unhappiness, disappointment, anger, hatred, sadness and frustration come and go for both my son and I. They are natural human emotions that are important to fully feel and experience as they are. By denying our children the right to experience, we are telling them that there is something fundamentally flawed about them and that it is not okay for them to be who they are. I want my son to grow up empowered knowing that he is perfect as he is and that nothing about him needs to change.
This is definitely something that I am practicing for myself and look forward to continuing this journey with the support network of Bright. I feel very grateful to live a life of stability and clarity regardless of whether I have happy thoughts or not. To be empowered to allow myself and others to be as they are, is the greatest gift!
Observe more and enjoy most,
Vanessa
