The playground is a microcosm of the real world.
It can be a place we learn to effectively communicate in order to get what we want,
a place we occupy ourselves out of boredom or a place we mold into what others want, in order to join in.
The social norms of our communities are acquired out in the playground. And as everything else in our lives, we need to test boundaries, behaviours and watch for responses to learn the real-life lessons.
Through my previous blogs you can see I love to sit back and observe my children in all their glory and mishaps, and the playground is my most favourite spot. The characteristics of resilience, competence, confidence ooze from my two children on the equipment. Always challenging their bodies to new limits. The other aspect that is as vital to their survival is the learned social behaviours that they encounter mixing with their peers.
I feel that I have only begun to scratch the surface in terms of my understanding of what I am witnessing. However, like most other areas of my role as a parent, I am to provide the environment and sit back and watch the rest unfold. My son, who is 3 1/2 has quite peculiar tendencies when first initiating play with his friends. He will either ignore them or at times he roars quite loudly in their face. We have been fortunate to foster relationships with like-minded parents and allow for the interactions to occur as they do. My preference during these interactions is to not say anything at all and to only step in if things turn violent. Children however sometimes do look to their parents and my advice would be to stay neutral, remain a matter of fact and do not indulge the emotions but rather identify them.
On the other hand, my 1-year-old is very friendly towards other children, offering them tanbark and food. She meets a lot of confused children and rejection. With an adult perspective, I see this as a sad thing but her fresh eyes do not interrupt as such. She continues on her quest to make friends and does not let the silence of the other child get in her way.
The lesson of 'Do less, observe more and enjoy most' (Magda Gerber) is so powerful in social situations. I know that it is hard when you have other parents staring at you after their child has been roared at or when your child is sitting on the slide and won't let anyone come down. It happens to me a lot.
My first step is to sit away from my children in the playground. It allows for some time for them to work it out without me there if my presence is required.
The next step is when I come over, I say as little as possible. Only identifying emotions not blaming or victimizing one over the other.
If things are getting out of hand, I will say to my child it looks like you are needing my help and I will take them
away from the situation.
You may ask why is it important to step back and let the children handle their own conflict and afflictions. Because that’s just it, it isn’t a source of negativity for them, it just is an experience. We adults past judgement and have our own bias on the situations. Children can only learn to be independent if they are independently allowed to face reality. When my son roars or ignores he has to deal with the reaction from his peers. If I stop him he will not know that his actions can result in a child not wanting to play with him or be his friend. The result will be because of my actions instead.
We must trust and respect the child by giving them space to learn the skills and to trust their instincts. We step in when it’s appropriate. I am an advocate for self-directed play, However I also acknowledge that it is my role as the parent to teach them social grace and to provide boundaries for their own safety and wellbeing. This is a whole other area to delve into that requires delicate explanation so I will leave it for another time. However, in the meantime, I will point you in the direction of Janet Lansbury's Elevating Child Care website because this is where I always begin.
Do you go on regular playdates to the playground? Have you noticed any behaviours your children regularly repeat? How do you manage conflict?
I would love to hear from you in the comments.
Observe more, Enjoy Most
Vanessa
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