What would it be like to parent kids without the use of punishment? Would this create kinder and more competent, self motivated kids?
I have read the book by Alfie Kohn ‘Unconditional parenting’ and many more authors such as Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish and my all time favourite Magda Gerber, who have a similar view, that punishment does not belong in the parent-child relationship. Each author explains the power of natural consequences and how when parents give space for their children to experience these, there is a deeper and longer lasting impact on the child’s wellbeing and behaviour.
However with all the readings under my belt and all the theory in my head. When I am pushed to anger or frustration I catch myself getting very allured by punishment.
When I reflect on what is really going on for me in these moments, I can see that my reaction to my child’s behaviour is actually just a reaction to my own negative emotions. For example, I may feel embarrassed in front of other parents or frustrated that my daughter is screaming so loud or angry that my son is not listening to me. So in order to get rid of the frustration, embarrassment and anger, I react with a quick fix - punishment! “If you do not walk to the car with me right now, we are not going to come back to the park for the rest of the week!”
I feel extremely fortunate to be supported by the Bright Training which empowers me to take responsibility for my own thoughts and sensations. With this training parenting without punishment feels so natural and easeful. I have seen in my own experience that the few times where I have chosen empowerment rather than punishment, it has been very beneficial for both myself and my children. I am discovering ways to really listen to my kids and see them as pure and perfect, needing guidance rather than punishment.
The other day at Nature Playgroup, I found myself moving from one group to another listening to unkind behaviour. Children teasing each other and intentionally leaving other children out. My mind began to fill with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, shame, anger…
I wanted to change what was happening and my first thoughts were to tell the children off. Give them a punishment such as, “If you don’t stop you will sit with me on the picnic rug!”
Relaxing with these intense feelings, I was able to speak to the children with an open heart. Taking them aside one by one and reflecting kind and loving speech. Asking them to reflect on what was going on and to rather act with a kind heart. The behaviour did not stop straight away and they chose different children to target. However I remained unharmed by my negative thoughts and repeated the kind instructions, knowing that children are just learning how to navigate their social world. Not too dissimilar to us adults ;)
Reflecting on that morning I was very proud that I could communicate that I love the children even when I was not thrilled by their behaviour. As a parent I wish for my children to be kind, competent and secure. I know that for this to be possible, I need to model that behaviour myself. It’s so obvious that my kids do as I do, not as I say.
Observe more, enjoy most
Vanessa
Resources:
Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish https://www.fabermazlish.com/
Alfie Kohn: https://www.alfiekohn.org/UP/
Bright https://www.bright.how/
Magda Gerber https://www.magdagerber.org/resources.html
